I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
me when the borders lift
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
no
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Gods work.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here