“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Breaking news:
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes