Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
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My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.