There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*