When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.