He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face