It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja