[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not