if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?