I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
This kid is a star!
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]