If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly