Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
You Might Also Like
A bold strategy
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.