It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
saving face 👀
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.