today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
this is the most humiliating day of my life
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier