My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*