Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams