Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.