Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
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yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.