Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
New menu item
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone