*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
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“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect