Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
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Catercrombie & Fish
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling