34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
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as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.