Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
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December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Match dot com, but for socks.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.