*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing