I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
You Might Also Like
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.