As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
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My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.