Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
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Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF