Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Hot Hot Hot
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter