Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
(Jupiter –
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
me hooking up with my ex
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!