Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
#Caturday
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64