ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.