The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
me, after any kind of buffet.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.