A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
This raises questions
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
this country is so goddamn polarized
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
a badder mouse
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”