I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.