Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.