Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
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I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!