Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
we’re dead?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
dictator is short for richard potato
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.