Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo