*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.