Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
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HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
become ungovernable
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.