Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
You Might Also Like
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine