Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.