Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
You Might Also Like
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Cndnsd Mlk
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart