Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
nyc:
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
mood
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.