Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
You Might Also Like
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY