“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps