i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Most fashion shows these days…
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.