The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
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parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Oh my God.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.