If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.