I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Taliband
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.